Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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