i permit you to call me
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
