"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
