I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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