The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
