As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
