I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
