proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
