I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
