$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
