at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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