he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
