i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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