In the future we'll all be gay
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
