that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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