I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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