she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
