Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
