Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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