He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
