so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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