He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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