when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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