I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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