My underwear smells like fireworks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
