I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
