I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
