Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
