if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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