one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
