On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
