i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
