Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
