I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
