Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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