I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
