My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
