he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
