I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
