I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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