But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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