Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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