Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
