tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
