yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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