i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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