i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
