1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
