I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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