The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
